


Double Lives are the Worst

by Fandom_Overload7890



Category: Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Cal is Alec, Different Dimensions, F/M, Gen, I hate the title, Illnesses, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Referenced suicide, Seizures, Tiberias Calore's A+ parenting, Timelines are confusing, refernced homicide, will add more tags as the story continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-30 10:53:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Overload7890/pseuds/Fandom_Overload7890
Summary: Life is confusing. Especially if you're living two lives.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is pretty much a short introduction to the story. More in depth things are to come.

Cal was confused. Why wasn't it working? He had done exactly the same thing as Father. He was especially careful not to mess up. But the result wasn't the same. Cal could feel his lower lip start to tremble. His vision blurred, making this failed endeavor worse than it already was. He couldn't cry, only weaklings cry, and Cal was not a weakling. What would Father think? He couldn't do anything right, and cried when he failed. He would be a terrible king. He would disappoint not only Father, but the whole country. That only made the tears come harder. He rubbed his hands roughly against his eyes in an attempt to staunch the tears. He had to try again. He couldn't let Father down.

Earlier that day, Cal had been in the playroom with his servants. He was driving a transport, running around the room and moving his arms to control the machine. There was a chase through the streets of Archeon, and he was behind the wheel. Each turn was more thrilling then the next, and Cal was swept up in this game of pretend. While he was running he had accidentally run into one of his playtime servants. He gave a quick apology like he was taught in etiquette, and went back to racing around the streets of Norta.

Then Father, who Cal didn't even realize was standing in the room, demanded from across the room, "Cal, come over here."

Cal ran over to Father. He knew Father was important, he was king. He knew that one day he would be king too, and he would rule over the whole country. Truth be told, Cal didn't exactly know what that meant. But he did know a king only talked to important people. So if Father wanted to talk to Cal, that must mean that Cal was important. With that sound logic, Cal excitedly ran towards Father. He leaned in, not wanting unimportant people to hear.

"Cal, you cannot apologize to the servant," why not? Why didn't Father want him to apologize? It made no sense. Cal was yelled at when he wasn’t polite and didn’t apologize, and now he was being yelled at because he was? Adults were confusing.

"Why not?" Father pointed slightly towards the servants that had been watching over Cal.

"You cannot apologize to them, Cal. They are weaker than us- less. They aren't worthy of the same respect that you would give a member of the court," but Cal still didn't understand.  
"But why Father?" At that Father took out one of his smaller blades that hung off of his belt. He grabbed Cal's arm and held it firmly out in front of him. What was going on? The blade looked sharp, and Cal knew that you had to be careful around sharp things. Father took the blade and quickly dragged it across Cal's forearm, leaving a trail of silver in its wake. 

Pain slithered across Cal's arm with the knife, and Cal struggled to keep a straight face. He might be young, but he knew that weakness was not tolerated. No matter the circumstance. Strength. Power. Those were words to live by, so Cal made sure that his tears stayed in his eyes and forced his feelings of betrayal to stay inside. But he couldn't stop the rush of thoughts if he tried. Why had his father done this? He thought Father cared about him, his son. His heir. So why would he hurt Cal?

"Do you see this?" Father gestured to the silver blood dripping from Cal's arm. Cal watched as it dripped onto the floor. It made him slightly sick. "This is what makes us special, better, than them. This blood is what gives us our abilities. We are Gods, and they are men. And gods do not apologize to men. Do you understand me?" Cal nodded his head rapidly. He didn’t exactly understand, he just wanted this to be over. Father gave him a small smile and Cal felt his chest expand. That smile had made this all worth it.

Cal's eyes wandered back towards the slash on his arm. It still hurt, but now it radiated more pride than pain. Cal was special. He'd always known it- he had been told all his life that he was important- but having Father say it was something else. It gave the previously empty words meaning.

Father turned towards the servants. "Get him a bandage!" The servant bobbed his head and scurried out of the room, off the meet the king's demand.

For the rest of the day, all Cal could think about was that moment. He replayed the events over and over in his head, each time the pain of the knife decreasing and the pride in his father's eyes increasing. Cal knew that he had to see the silver blood again. He needed to see what had made him so special. So worthy of his father's attention.

So he had taken one of the knives off the training rack and clumsily ran it over his arm. Red blood rushed to the surface of the cut and Cal feel despair rise in his throat. He tried to cut again. Same result. Red blood where there was silver earlier.  
Cal didn't understand. What had he done wrong? Did he need a certain type of blade? Was the cut not right? Or maybe Father was wrong. Maybe Cal wasn't special after all.

"Alec, oh my god!" Mommy came rushing over. She took Cal's arm in her hands, making him drop the blade. "What happened?" Her eyes scanned him for any other sign of injury. His eyes teared up.

"Mommy, it didn't work. I'm not special," her face crumpled,

"No baby, of course you're special. You're the most special little boy in the whole world," but Cal shook his head.

"But it didn't work. Father said that this meant I'm special. But it didn't work!" His voice raised into a wail. Mommy's face turned to one of confusion.

"Shhh, you said Daddy showed you how to do this?" Cal nodded. Mommy shuffled so that she was crouching eye level with him. "Don't you ever hurt yourself Alec. You don't need to do anything to prove how special you are. If someone cares enough, they'll see how special you are without you needing to prove it," Mommy stood up and took his hand. "Now let's go find Daddy. He has a lot of explaining to do."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait. I've had a really hard time editing this chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters or the Red Queen. I'm just a big fan of both.

"Alec, are you listening?" Alec snapped his head up to the sound of his instructors voice. 

Truth be told, he wasn't listening. He was doing something much better than that. He was staring, and admiring. 

Tony Mauario sat right in front of Alec every day in history. He was tall and had dark blue eyes like the ocean at night, but somehow even more beautiful. Alec could look at them forever and never get bored; always finding something new to love about Tony's eyes. His dark curls fell around his forehead in an 'I actually woke up like this' type of way, not that that made his hair any less attractive. Tony sat slightly hunched over, whether in focus on the classroom material or something else, Alec didn't know. Alec wanted to know. In short, Alec was smitten. 

And there lied the problem. Alec liked a boy. A boy. Alec couldn't like boys. Not when he knew what his parents would say. There was no way they would ever support him after this revelation. They would insist that he was wrong, confused they would tell him. He couldn't possibly know so young (Alec felt inclined to believe them here. He was pretty young. He could barely decide his favorite color, much less which sex he liked. How could he possibly know for sure?). They couldn't possibly have a son who wasn't straight.

He couldn't even begin to imagine what Izzy or Jace would say. If they rejected him, he didn't know what he would do. That didn't stop Alec from imagining it though. They would be disgusted by him. Alec wasn't stupid. He had heard Jace say that things were "so gay" before. Izzy had done it a couple of times too. Those instances were cemented in Alec's mind as proof that his siblings were homophobic enough to abandon him once he came out (if he came out). 

So, he kept his affliction (because that's what is was. A sickness that he would cure) a secret. Living with his shame day in and day out. It ate him alive. Every time his future was mentioned- a future girlfriend, a wife- his dirty secret would eat a bit more of him alive. Sometimes he just wanted to crawl out of his skin. The idea of being in any sort of romantic or sexual situation with a girl made him feel like bugs were moving under his flesh. It was awful, but the thought of telling his parents made him think he was going to puke all his organs out. 

But a night, he could forget all about it. Because at night, Cal didn't like boys. He liked girls. And Alec couldn't be happier about it. 

He could stare at the girls of the court without a tinge of disgust. He thought about them the way he was supposed to. He noticed when the girls started to mature, not the boys. It was like a switch had been flipped. He was a different person. 

That was proof. Proof that Alec wasn't gay. Not if he didn't like girls when he was Cal. Because Alec and Cal were the same person, and the same person couldn't be gay and straight. He had to be one or the other, but which? 

He had tested it in both realities. Trying to figure out who he was, but the results were inconclusive. When he was Cal, he had eyes for the ladies of the court, but when he was Alec, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the girls fast enough.

It was maddening. Why couldn’t he be simple? If he had just managed to be predictable, then he wouldn't be having these problems. He searched everywhere, every site, trying to find someone who related to this feeling of constant confusion. There was no one. 

It was lonely. Alec felt more isolated than ever. No one at the Institute could relate, and neither could anyone else in the world. He was broken. There was no other word for it. If there was nobody else in the world like him, how could he not be?

He tried to convince himself that he was just over complicating things. In Norta he liked girls, that meant he had to like them in the Institute too. But deep down Alec knew that no matter what he told himself at night, he wasn't straight. 

"Yeah, I'm listening," he said, lying through his teeth. When all he could think about was what a disaster he was, paying attention in class was hard. Right now, though, the whole class had no problem paying attention to him- including Tony. 

Alec's face turned beet red. Everyone was staring at him. It felt like they could see right through him. Tony was looking at him with those deep eyes, and Alec knew that Tony knew what kind of person Alec was. He could tell that Alec liked him like that. He was probably disgusted.

That was how Alec felt a majority of the time about his sexuality. Disgusted. But then Alec would have a good day. A day when he just accepted himself. They weren't very common, but when they came they were like a breath of fresh air. 

He decided it didn't matter. Cal had silver blood, Alec had red. Alec battled demons, Cal did not. Alec was covered in runes, the same ones would probably burn Cal if he ever came into contact with them. Cal and Alec were different in so many ways. What was one more? Alec could be gay, and Cal could be straight. It didn't really matter, neither would get to marry someone of their own choosing. Cal would be married off through a Queenstrial and Alec's parents would probably find some nice shadowhunter girl for him to marry, since they couldn't have their son marry someone of the same gender. Surprisingly, for right now, he could live with that. He could live with the endless compromises that were his life. Who knew about the future, though. How long could he keep this up? The deceit, the shame- eventually it would be too much. 

Every time his mind circled back there though, he brushed it off. Left it for another day. If doing this meant keeping his honor, his family, he would make all the compromises in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I know that in the books and the show, Alec has a crush on Jace. But honestly, I didn't want to deal with all that baggage. Hence, the OC. 
> 
> I tried to make this a bit like Sense8 sexuality. Separately, Alec and Cal have their own orientations, but together, who knows? If you have any questions or any ideas about any of this, feel free to leave a comment! I love getting them!! 
> 
> Comment and Kudos if you enjoyed, and come scream with me about this fic or either of these fandoms at Fandom_Overload7890 on Tumblr.


	3. Chapter

It was uncle Julian's fault. At least, that's what Elara said. For once, Cal was inclined to agree with her.

If it wasn't for uncle Julian, Cal would have never known about his mother's interest in mechanics. People at the palace were tight lipped enough about the former queen, and those who were willing to talk about her didn't always have nice things to say. And those who would have something nice to say were too blinded by their own grief to tell Cal anything. Cal knew nothing about his mother except for that she was a "the queen who sung herself on the throne" (Cal didn't believe that. His father was too broken up about her death to have been manipulated). That and how Queen Coriane died.

It was court gossip. It did nothing but made the tragedy of Cal's mother's death worse. It followed the royal family, like a cloud that hung over their heads that wouldn't disperse. It was the rumor that Coriane hadn't taken her life, but had been murdered for the throne. Murdered by Elara Merandus, the woman that became queen after Coriane's death. The amount of circumstantial evidence seemed to surmount the lack of actual evidence in the mind of the court. She had motive: Coriane had become queen when it was well known that Elara would have won the Queenstrial. Killing Coriane would secure her place as queen. Also, she could have done it. Staging a suicide isn’t hard. Especially, when you’re a whisper. 

Still, Cal didn’t buy much into the rumors of his step-mother. At least, not when he was older. When he was younger, blaming someone, like a distant step mother, for his mom’s death was easy. But as he got older, he realized he was taking out his grief on someone who had nothing to do with the suicide but circumstance. While Elara was certainly capable of committing murder, it became apparent that it just didn’t seem likely to Cal. On one hand, staging a suicide was too much work. An accident would have done just as well and gotten the same result. Elara didn’t seem like the type to waste extra energy than needed to kill an enemy. But the real reason that Cal didn’t think that she did it was Maven. Cal had seen how Elara interacted with her son. She was doting and (relatively) gentle with him. When they were together, Elara looked like less of a murderous queen, and more of a stern mother. That side of her personality completely invalidated any of the rumors regarding his mother’s “murder”. 

(He would never admit this, but even when Cal was adult, sometimes when the night was lonely enough, and the day was harsh enough, Cal could believe that Elara had murdered his mother. The feelings never lasted until morning, and he always felt guilty when seeing Maven afterwards.) 

Uncle Julian believed in the rumors though. But uncle Julian was smart enough to know what happened to people who expressed belief in the idea that there was a helping hand in the death of Coriane Jacos - he was friends with Sara Skonos after all. 

So Julian kept tight lipped about his sister. Not talking about her if he didn’t have to. Sometimes,though, if he was in a good enough mood, he would tell Cal about Coriane. 

"She loved machines," Cal looked up from the book he was reading. It was rare for Julian to give up information on his sister without some prodding on Cal's part. "She would go out and work on these transports and things for the house. I could never understand it. The others in our House didn't think it was appropriate, but she didn't care," it was clear that uncle Julian wasn't here. He was lost in memories. Cal didn't say anything in response, he knew it was best to just let Julian keep going. "She was upset that it was harder to work on projects once she became queen. Tibe could never understand that part of her. He thought doing something like that is unbecoming of a queen." Cal could see that uncle Julian had balled his fists. He had never seen his uncle so angry. "Sometimes I think that she wouldn't have been so overwhelmed if they had just let her build one damn transport," uncle Julian slammed his clenched fist against the table. Cal knew that he wasn't a fan of the court and all of its expectations, but this was the most outward display of that hatred he had ever seen.

Cal didn’t' exactly hate the court, but he wasn't a fan of it either. He knew that they need the High Houses to better govern the country, but sometimes Cal thought everything would be so much simpler if they just got rid of the Houses all together. Cal thought that they held too much power. Why not just put them in their place? Father was king, he could do whatever he wanted. Why waste time trying to keep the Houses happy? No matter how many compromises are made, no one ever really walks away truly satisfied. It's always a temporary peace in a political war. Whenever he tried to raise these questions he was told that he would understand these types of things in time. But how much time?

There were so many things about the court that didn't make any sense. Maybe if they did, Cal's mother would still be here, telling him about her love of mechanics, instead of uncle Julian.

Instead of saying all this, Cal just nodded in sympathy with his uncle, secretly making plans to take up this hobby on his own time.

He started with books. He read everything he could about machines- how to build them, how to fix them, how to make the tools to fix them. Surprisingly, he really enjoyed it. He found himself longing for alone time with his manuals. Soon, that wasn't enough. What was supposed to be a small thing to get closer to his mother, turned into a full blown obsession. 

It wasn't just Cal who was interested in this stuff. When Cal was Alec, the interest stuck. Everything he couldn't find out in books was googled when Alec had free time between training. Jace and Izzy started to tease him a little bit every time he went on about how cool it was that early motorcycles could use tomato cans as carburetors, and started talking about the logistics of doing that. But a majority of the pastime was done in Norta, where Cal could have his own private garage.

Many of the people in the palace stayed away from there. The servants knew that it was Cal's place, though they did come in and clean a little bit when he wasn't there. Father was simply too busy to bother to visit his son while he was rewiring old machinery. Elara and Cal didn't like each other much, so she stayed as far away from the garage as possible. The only person who visited pretty regularly was Maven.

Maven usually came in a few times a week, carefully stepping over bits of metal and tools that weren't put away properly (Cal could be a bit of an airhead when he was working. He could never remember to properly put something away when that other piece desperately needed his attention). He would fold his hands into each other, making sure not to be touching anything- or anyone- covered in grease. Maven would lean over Cal and watch him work. Sometimes Cal wouldn't even register Maven was in the room until he said something.

"What's that supposed to be?" Cal looked up from the hunk of metal in front of him. This thing was his current pride and joy. Every day he would count down the seconds until he could get to the garage and work on what was practically his child.

"It’s a cycle," Cal grinned, eager to share this with his brother. Maven looked a bit confused. Maven wasn't interested in any of this stuff, but he would usually listen to Cal as he talked about his latest project.

"What's a cycle?"

"I'm glad you asked," Maven groaned.

"I'm regretting coming here already," for a second Maven looked like he really did, but then that expression was replaced with a laugh.

"No, you're going to like this. It's fast like a transport, but more agile. This thing is going to revolutionize military transportation," Maven looked skeptical. That made sense, because so far the cycle looked like nothing more than a hunk of twisted metal.

"Whatever you say," Maven responded, putting his hands up in mock surrender.

"No, really!" Cal was laughing, and then so was Maven. Cal really enjoyed spending time with his brother like this. With the other kids in the court, everything felt like a competition. You always had to be the best. But with Maven, Cal could leave his guard down. He didn't have to be the Crown Prince, or the future king. He could just be Cal, mechanic extraordinaire.

Maven's expression sobered a bit. "I’m sure. I came here to tell you that Father wants to see you in the throne room, though," Maven looked away. For a second, Cal thought that he might be hurt. But why would Maven be upset? It didn't matter, because the look was gone so fast Cal might have imagined it.

Cal nodded and stood up, wiping his hands on a rag while doing so (whether any motor oil actually came off was debatable). Seeing Father was always something to be wary of, because the King of Norta never made social calls.

Cal clapped Maven on the shoulder. "I'll see you later for tonight's game?" Maven grinned and nodded.

"I hope you still enjoy your losing streak, because it's not going anywhere," Maven said. Cal shook his head playfully.

"That's what you think," and with that parting line, Cal went to go see what the King of Norta wanted. It was probably just an update on Cal's lessons.

 

  
(It was)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coriane is a big part of Cal's life. It felt wrong to not include her. I debated also putting in Maryse but this chapter felt like more of a hobby/Coriane thing and I wanted to keep it more Cal centric. Possibly more Alec next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting and self hate ahead. Also, sibling cameos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about the long wait. I don't have my laptop anymore so chapters are going to be harder to update, and might look more disorganized. But don't worry! I have no plans to abandon this fic.

Pain radiated throughout Alec's back as he was thrown against the wall of the alley. He slid down the bricks as the demon stalked towards him. Gravel dug into his hands, making dents into Alec’s palms. His neck ached along with his head, protesting getting into this fight in the worst way possible. But none of the physical pain held a candle to what else was going on at the moment. He was out of arrows and out of time. Alec knew that trying to tackle the demon was a bad idea, but he had to save Izzy. And now, there was no way that he could help her.

Earlier that night Jace, Izzy, and Alec had been patrolling the streets, on lookout for a demon that had been reported to the Institute and hour before. A mundane attack. The women attacked had just barely survived enough to scream for help a few times before bleeding to death. None of this had discouraged Izzy and Jace from complaining about the lack of action while roaming the streets. Then they saw what looked like a huge panther tearing apart a body in an alley.

The body was in a state that could only be described as shredded meat. Chucks of flesh were scattered around the corpse and were stuck in the nails, no, claws of the beast. The dead woman's clothes were in tatters, just shredded rags drenched in blood. But Alec couldn't tear his eyes away from her face. Her head had fallen to the side, giving Alec a perfect view of her features. She had blonde hair. It fell around her head, ends colored red. Her eyes were glassed over, but her face was still frozen in terror. And Alec felt scared too. He had seen a lot of dead bodies, training for a war would have that side effect, but this one chilled him in a way the others hadn't. The reason could be that in every other setting he had seen a dead body, it was controlled. It wasn't stumbled upon in a dark alley, but set up to teach him about potential dangers or science. Or it could be because the thing that had turned this girl into scraps of meat was still tearing her apart.

The demon was big. It was about the length of Alec, if Alec was lying down. That in itself was scary enough. It looked like a panther on steroids. It's fur was the darkest black Alec had ever seen, and Alec had spent time around House Haven. It's teeth were thick and sharp, biting and tearing at the girl’s stomach. Probably trying to get the most out of its meal. What concerned Alec the most though, was the demon’s claws. It had huge, big black paws each the size of Alec's face, and wickedly sharp claws poking out underneath black fur. Those things would most likely be swinging towards Alec and his sibling's. Alec wasn't looking forward to it.

They unanimously rushed in. By now they had fought together so often it was muscle memory. Alec letting lose arrow after arrow, trying to find a weak spot to expose. Jace and Izzy charged it, dodging left and right to avoid getting scratched or bitten. Alec wasn't envious of them.

The demon immediately targeted Jace, despite Izzy's attempts to get it to give each of them equal attention. Alec had stayed closer to the opening of the alley. Partly to keep look out for stray mundanes and partly because moving closer inward would make it harder for Alec to find a good weak spot. From where Alec was standing, he could see perfectly well as it swiped at Jace, dragging its claws across his chest. Jace stumbled back and slammed into the wall, blood flowing from the scratches on his chest. From the ashen look on his face and the amount of blood pouring out of the wounds, Alec could count him out for the rest of the fight.

Izzy looked understandably mad. This thing had just torn her brother's chest to shreds. She charged, a slight battle cry coming out of her mouth. Alec would have laughed if Jace wasn't bleeding on the floor. For a half second, Alec wished that he wasn't just shooting arrows (that he was running out of). He wished that he could charge into battle with Izzy. He wanted to avenge their brother too. Wielding his fire he could burn up the monster in a second.

Izzy managed to get a slash in its slide. That only made it angrier. It ran at her full speed, pinning her to the opposite wall. She struggled, trying to get out of its grip, or at least grab her whip. Neither option worked.

Alec saw red. There was no way he was going to leave his sister in danger. For a split second, it wasn't just Izzy pinned up against that wall, but Maven too. He saw his little brother struggling against that huge beast, silver blood dripping off his brow. Anger churned in Alec's stomach. He had to do something, bow be damned.

He tackled the demon, pulling it to the opposite wall. It landed on top of him and struggled to turn over. Admittedly, Alec didn't think too far ahead. He had no idea what to do now.

He kicked the demon away slightly, giving him time to use one last trick.

The demon charged at him again, but Alec flicked his finger over his wrist, trying to light a spark from his flamemaker.

Nothing.

Nothing, because there was no flamemaker.

Nothing because Alec wasn't in Norta.

Nothing because Alec wasn't a burner.

He wasn't Cal.

Alec couldn't believe he'd let this happen. He had let himself get confused, blur the lines of reality. He should have been better than this. He should have known.

The demon moved closer, ready to finally kill one of the shadowhunters that had been annoying it, when Izzy came up behind him and drove a Seraph blade right into its side. The demon howled in pain, and fell over, giving Izzy the opportunity to stab it in the chest. It twitched and panted as it laid down dying. Eventually Alec couldn’t hear the rattling breathing noise it was making any longer. It was finally dead.

"What the hell was that?" Izzy didn't look too happy. Alec knew that she was worried about him. They both knew that he had made a dumb move. A dumb move that could have gotten him killed if his sister hadn’t stepped in. That wasn't something Alec did often. She knew that something was wrong. He couldn't tell her what had really happened though. She would think he was crazy. 

Alec stood up and brushed some dirt off his clothes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew was that I needed to help you." Alec didn't want to lie to his sister, but he couldn't go into detail. He turned his back to her, he didn't want to see her concerned face. He had probably gained a little time with that last comment, but she would only push this off for so long. Izzy eventually turned followed him towards Jace. Alec couldn’t help but let go a mental sigh of relief.

Jace didn't look great. He had three huge gashes running across his chest. All were sluggishly bleeding. His face was pale and slicked with sweat. His eyes were slightly glazed over as he turned to look at them.

"We can’t afford to have you making bad calls during a fight," she pursed her lips, "I don't want to lose you," she said quieter this time. Alec hated making his sister feel like that. He wanted to tell her everything right then and there. The confusion over what was real, the moments where he was so sure that silver was running through his veins, only to see the red. Or when seeing their mother made him want to cry for the loss of his other mother. “Either of you.”

Alec grabbed her hand. "You won't," because it might not be a physical fight you lose me to. Alec crouched down next to Jace. "Are you okay to walk?" Jace groaned in response. So that's a no.

Alec heaved Jace into his arms. "You don't need to carry me," Jace weakly protested.

"Yes I do," he couldn't help but roll his eyes as they set off down the street.

Try as he might, Alec couldn't stop thinking about his screw up in the alley. It was one thing to accidentally call Max Maven, but it was another to forget he didn't have his abilities in a fight. When he was fighting was one of the only times where he could have a perfectly clear head. He didn't have to worry about the state of Norta, or becoming head of the Institute. He could just let his body take over. It was peaceful, in a way. Who knew if Alec could ever find peace now that that was gone.

Alec readjusted Jace. Next time he wouldn't make sloppy mistakes. Next time, he would be better. Because he had to be. Alec couldn't let them down. He needed to make them believe that he was okay. No, he was okay. If not, then who knows what would happen.

 

It was well known around the court that if you wanted to find Cal the first place you should go is the Training room. This was probably because that’s where Cal spent most of his time due to his love of any kind of physical activity.

It started because of mandatory training. When you're the crown prince (and a shadowhunter) you have to be in shape and be able to defend yourself. At first, when he was 10 and just wanted to play all day, it was awful. The instructors were mean and he ached constantly. The repetitive shouts to repeat a move over and over again until it was perfect haunted Cal. Then he got older. Learned to enjoy just working out all of his problems with a good workout. The burning of his muscles was ecstasy and next day soreness was like praise. It was addicting. A not so guilty pleasure.

"I can't believe you do this everyday," Maven was gasping like a fish next to him. "This might be the most intense training I've ever had."

Cal grinned. "You should see what I do afterward."

"There's more?" Maven groaned. To Cal this didn't even seem like a lot. All they had done was some warm ups and a bit of light running (well maybe not light. Was five miles a lot?).

"Oh yeah," Cal turned and headed towards the sparring circle. Right now, it was just them there, so they were free to go all out. And Cal was not one to waste an opportunity. Maven, on the other hand looked less than thrilled. "Come on, Mavey. Tirana totally beat you yesterday. You got to be better than her, smarter than her."

Maven looked annoyed. Couldn't he see that Cal was trying to help him? All he wanted was for Maven to succeed. To show that he was more than the awkward boy that the court thought that he was. "Yeah, I'll remember that." He joined Cal in the circle.

Cal dropped into his fighting stance. The movement was as easy as breathing after doing it for so long. Maven did the same, and Cal couldn’t stop himself from nitpicking everything that Maven was doing wrong right off the bat. His knees weren’t bent enough. His arms were slightly too low, not high enough to properly protect his face. Cal bit his tongue to keep himself from saying all this aloud. He could give Maven notes after they were done. 

Maven moves first. He lunges to Cal, his fists ablaze. He swings, trying to land a punch. Cal counters, pulling up a wall of fire and taking a few steps back to give himself space to move and make an attack of his own. Maven followed his brother, trying to keep the fight hand to hand rather than just throwing fire. Defense is your strong suit Mavey, not offense. Don’t corner somebody who's better than you, Cal thought. It was something he had told Maven over and over again, but it looked like that lesson had never stuck. Maven swung his right fist again, aiming for Cal’s face. Taking the opening, Cal struck a blow to Maven’s solar plexus. Maven doubled over, and Cal used the opportunity to sweep his legs out from under him. Maven hit the ground hard on his back, and Cal moved on top of him, keeping him down. 

Maven was breathing hard, loud wheezes could be easily overheard. “I win,” Cal said. Maven rolled his eyes, but made no effort to get out from under Cal. 

“You’re such an ass.” 

“Why? Because I used a good move? You need to be smart Maven. You can’t pull your punches in a fight. You have to use everything you can to your advantage.” Maven clenched his jaw and looked away. Why was he being so difficult? Cal wanted to help him. Was that such a terrible thing to do? 

“Yeah, whatever…” Cal could feel anger rise in him. Why was Maven just brushing him off? Did he want to keep losing in Training? Keep embarrassing the royal family? An irrational anger took a hold of the crown prince. 

“Look, if you didn’t want my help you shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I’m just trying to help you so you stop being such an embarrassment during Training,” Maven’s eyes met Cal’s. They were cold, seething with a cool fury. 

“Maybe I didn’t want your help,” he shoved Cal onto the mat and stormed out of the room. Cal pounded his fist against the mat. Maven couldn’t afford to make stupid mistakes. He didn’t have that luxury. Not when he was representing the royal family of Norta. He had to be faster. Stronger. Better. There was no room for failure. 

Cal sighed. He wasn’t thinking about Maven. He was thinking about himself and his screw up earlier that day in the alley with Izzy and Jace. He had slipped up and made a stupid mistake. A mistake that had almost gotten himself, and more importantly, his siblings, killed. Cal had to be smarter, faster, and better if he wanted to keep moments like that from ever happening again. Though, it wasn’t right to take out his anger with himself out on his brother (even if his brother was being slightly ridiculous). 

Cal pushed himself up off the mat. He had to go find Maven and apologize for being an ass. After all, Cal wanted to be a good brother, and a good brother apologizes when he messed up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally two chapters, but I thought that they worked better together. I'm sorry for the really bad action descriptions/fight scenes. I know nothing about writing them.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting sick sucks ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long for this chapter to be posted! I was off traveling and had virtually no way to properly edit and post this update. But anyway, here it is! A longer chapter to make up for the lack of update.
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters are not my property.

Cal wasn't feeling too hot.

Well, actually, he felt like he was dying of heatstroke. Normally, Cal didn't mind a little heat, but right now he would do anything to cool down. 

Buckets of sweat were pouring down his body. His back was like a slip and slide. His hair was damp, and he kept shaking it out like a dog to get rid of the moisture.

All that sweat must have drained the fluid from the rest of his body, because he was parched. His mouth was barren of saliva, and the little that he could sum up scraped against his throat when he swallowed. Cal was tempted to call a healer to make sure that the inside of his throat wasn't bleeding.

That was bad enough without even mentioning his head. Cal slightly wished it would fall off. It hurt so bad that he could barely think straight. It was like there was cotton lined with barbed wire shoved into his skull. And there was someone shaking his head around, shifting the barbed wire so it could pierce more parts of his skull. It was horrible, and it made Cal want to pull out his hair. Scrape out his head to try and pull out the pain. Instead, Cal just pulled at his hair. It made the pain slightly worse, but it gave Cal mental satisfaction.

Cal was walking down to…a meeting? He couldn't really remember. To be fair he was hardly focusing when he was told what needed to be attending to that day. He had been starting to feel ill all week, but thought that it was nothing but a mild cold, something he could push through. Cal was beginning to regret making the decision to continue on and finish his schedule.

Maybe he could take an early lunch. That would give him some down time to relax before the afternoon. He couldn’t help but shudder at the idea of doing his schedule for later in the day. It would be a nightmare.

Cal slowed down for a second, a wave of nausea crashing over him. He needed to stop walking, or else he might fall over. His insides felt jumbled around, and there was a good chance that Cal was going to throw up. His head was throbbing. Please, just for a moment, please let this headache stop. Cal needed to think, even for half a second.

His throat started to constrict. He took a deep breath in through his nose. All he could afford to focus on right now was keeping the contents of his stomach down, and possibly keep himself standing.

His legs were shaking. He felt an ache in his calves, something not unusual for someone who worked out as much as he did. But this was a different kind of ache. This wasn't from over doing it in the gym, but from his legs working overtime just to do the basic one foot in front of the other.

Cal locked his knees. The only thing worse than vomiting was collapsing. Vomit could be blamed on a bad meal, but falling down was all Cal. But locking his knees wouldn't work forever. Cal could already feel his legs start to give. He gripped the wall, but it was too smooth- there were no handholds.

For a split second, Cal wanted to fall down. Standing had become so much work. Sweat was pouring down his back in double the amount it was before. His head was excruciating from the amount of focusing he was trying to do. Cal just wanted to give in.

Cal didn't have to make a decision though, because his legs gave out anyway. He fell against the wall, his body giving up at fighting to remain normal.

The floor was delightfully cold. It felt like heaven against his feverish body. Cal spread out along the floor more to try to cool all of himself. It was incredible, why hadn't he laid on the floor before?

But the pleasure didn't last long. Soon the chill set in. It seeped into his bones, freezing him from the inside out. It was like being emerged in an ice bath. Goosebumps ran down his body, and Cal couldn't help but give a violent shiver. Cal felt vaguely reminiscent of his former heat. Colors, he was so cold.

"Your Highness!" Sentinel's ran towards him, desperate to help the fallen prince. "Are you okay?" Cal put his hands down and pushed against the floor, trying to stand up. His elbows shook, and it felt like his body was an anchor, keeping him stuck to the ground.

"I'm fine," Cal gritted out. He needed to get up. He was fighting a losing battle. But Cal was nothing if not stubborn.

"Your Highness-" Cal glared at the Sentinel. Or at least, as much of a glare as he could muster.

"I said I'm fine-"

"Cal?" Cal turned his head around to see Maven standing at the end of the hallway with Elara. "Are you alright?"

Maven approached Cal, worry etched into his face. He squatted down so he could be relatively eye level with Cal, who was still on the floor.

Maven radiated heat. Cal shifted closer, trying to warm himself. He was a burner, he should be able to generate the same kind of heat to warm himself back up. But Cal was too weak. He was in no shape to use his ability. He could accidently burn the place down. That and the chill that currently consumed him had stolen the heat in his chest. The place where Cal felt his ability resided. All that he felt there now was cold and empty. He shivered again.

"Cal, you really don't look good. You should get back to your apartment," Maven reached out to help Cal up, but suddenly pulled his hand away. "You're burning up."

Cal gave out a short laugh that stole whatever energy he still had. "Was that supposed to be a joke?" Maven didn't look amused. Instead he turned back towards his mother and nodded.

"I can get him there," she was speaking to Maven in his mind.

You would think that Cal would be used to whispers having private conversations right in front of him, but he wasn't. It still bothered him. He didn’t like that people could have conversations in front of him with Cal being none the wiser. It was concerning to say the least. Maven, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind. That made sense, seeing who his mother was.

Elara turned and left, her herd of Sentinels following in tow. Maven focused back on Cal, grabbing his arms and helping him to his feet.

Cal gave a lurch, unable to support his own weight. He held onto Maven for dear life, desperate not to fall again. It was embarrassing to say the least.

Together they walked in an awkward shuffle down the halls of the place, Sentinels hovering around them like mosquitos. It was painfully slow since Maven was the physically weaker brother, and he was having trouble supporting Cal’s almost dead weight. Eventually, though, they got to Cal's apartment. Waiting there for them was Elara and a Skonos healer.

Maven brought Cal past them, into his room. He set Cal down on his bed, and Cal felt the first bit of relief all day. He had been dreaming of laying here again, and this was so much better than any of his fantasies.

The Skonos healer laid a hand on Cal's arm then jerked it away. Her touch was cool, and it only added to Cal's shivers.

He heard her hiss under her breath. "He's too hot for me to touch," she announced to the room, "I can’t do anything until you get his temperature down." 

Cal managed to crawl underneath the covers of his bed. There was no way that he was going to leave this spot. He knew it was childish, but he was finally starting to warm up.

Cal sunk into his pillows, his head making the perfect mold into the feathered objects. He closed his eyes, which burned against his eyelids. He hadn't even realized how dry his eyes were- and how much effort it was taking to keep them open.

Cal tuned out the conversation that was taking place about how to treat him. All he wanted to do was sleep. To escape this illness. Unfortunately, Cal isn't that lucky.

When Alec opens his eyes, he still feels terrible. His head still hurts, his throat still aches, and he feels unbearable hot again. Pretty much nothing's changed. Except now he's in the Institute and there's someone banging on his door.

Alec rolled over and let out a muffled, "come in!"

Izzy appeared, dressed and ready to patrol the city, something Alec was definitely not up for.

"What are you still doing in bed? Get up, Jace is waiting for us," Alec groaned. He didn't want to get up.

Izzy sighed. "Don't make me do this," she warned.

"Do what-?" He questioned as his sister brutally ripped the covers of his bed off of him. Alec clutched his pillow, hoping it would keep him somehow anchored to the bed.

"Get up," she grunted as she started pulling his leg off the side of the bed. This was getting ridiculous.

"Izzy, please stop. I really don't feel good," his sister suddenly halted. Alec usually didn’t tell anyone when he was sick unless he was feeling really sick. 

"You don't feel good?"

"Yes," she brought a hand up to his forehead.

"By the angel, you're burning up," she threw his blanket back over him. "You're staying in bed today. I'll tell Jace, and then be right back with a cool towel."

"You don't have to do that!" He called after her, but she was already out the door.

Alec sighed and laid back down against his bed. As much as he didn't want to put Izzy through any trouble, that cold towel sounded really good right now. But Alec doubted he would even be awake when she returned with it.

His eyes started to droop, and the pillow underneath him became a lot more comfortable.

Cal opened his eyes again. He had switched identities much faster than normal. Usually there was a short period of darkness before he woke up in whichever bed. This time it had been just short of instantaneous.

The Skonos healer was still here, but Cal still wasn't in a good enough place to recall her name. She sat next to his bed, one hand on his arm. No doubted trying to rid him of whatever illness he'd contracted.

Maven and Elara had left, probably trying to make sure that Cal was the only member of the royal family down for the count. Cal couldn't help but feel a little hurt that his father wasn't there either, but he knew that the king had more to do than sit vigil for his under the weather son.

The Skonos woman noticed that he was awake. At first she did nothing but acknowledge him with a slight tip of her head. It wasn't exactly the right way to address royalty, but Cal couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't want to speak to her.

His throat was still raw, as if he'd been screaming for hours. It ached and burned as he laid there, doing nothing to it but swallowing.

"My throat," he croaked. His voice was gravelly, and it came out as barely a whisper. Luckily the room was quiet.

She nodded and removed her hand from his arm, and placed it on his throat. Cal fought down the instinct to rip her hand away. This was necessary if he wanted to feel better. Slowly, some of the pain ebbed away. Though it still hurt badly, the pain was much more manageable.

Cal slowly blinked, and when he opened his eyes, Izzy was waving a thermometer in front of his face.

"Can you open your mouth? I need to get your temperature."

When had she gotten there? Where was the Skonos girl? Had she left already?

Cal's head felt muggy, he couldn't think straight. Where was he? Norta or New York? He couldn't keep focus long enough to figure it out. Instead he just did was Izzy asked. It was easier.

Izzy seemed concerned about whatever temperature was shown on the thermometer. Cal couldn't bring himself to care. He was so tired. He wanted more than anything to close his eyes and not have to open them again in another life.

Cal lolled his head to the side. Looking at his sister was becoming too much. He felt like he had to be paying attention to her. When Cal rolled his head back to her, she was gone.

In a burst of strength, Cal sat up on his elbows to look around the room. Gently not to further irritate his throat, he blew away some of the smoke that was hanging around his face. Where did his sister go? Almost out of nowhere, two hands appeared to push him back down on the bed. Cal struggled for a second, but eventually he gave in (it was more like he didn't have the strength to fight back).

"Son," who was talking? The voice sounded so familiar, but he couldn't place it. "Son, please, lay back down. Save your strength."

Father. His father was talking to him. It was exhilarating and nerve racking at the same time. He was thrilled that his father had come, cleared his schedule, just to see Cal. On the other hand, Cal must be really sick if his father took the time to come visit him. 

"What are you doing here? I could be contagious," Cal coughed. It was an ugly sound, coming from deep within his chest. He could hear his father take a sharp inhale in reaction.

"I had to make sure you were okay, with my own eyes. Though I can't be here for long," Cal swallowed disappointment. He should be used to it. His father was king, he couldn't stick around every time his kid got a cold.

Cal heard the floor creak as his father rose. He turned over to avoid seeing his father leave his bedroom.

A bad smell hit his nose. It made his nose wrinkle, and his eyes started to water a bit. It was overwhelming. Cal scrubbed at his nose, trying to wipe the smell away.

Darkness started to claw at the corner of Cal's eyes. He wasn't falling asleep, more like blacking out. It was terrifying, and Cal felt panic bubble in his chest. The darkness crawled across his eyes, leaving him completely blind. He knew that his eyes were still open, but to him it looked like they were closed.

Then the darkness receded, and Cal could see again.

The Skonos girl was back. She had both of her hands on his chest, spreading that cool feeling through his body with double the amount of force. It felt like being hit with an icy wave. He wanted it to stop. He grabbed her wrists, trying to wrench away her hands. Two men appeared to pin his hands back to his sides. Cal felt trapped. It was like his body wasn't his own anymore. He couldn't control what he was feeling, and he needed to be able to fix something. He had to get her off of him.

Cal twisted and thrashed, trying to get out from under her. Her hands bunched into his shirt, desperately grabbing onto him. Meanwhile, his guards pushed him down even more, attempting to get him under control. Couldn't they see that he just needed it all to stop for one minute? He just needed a moment to stop feeling so cold and collect himself. He fought harder, bucking up to make their grips on him looser. He heard them grunt and mutter at him to please stop Your Highness, but Cal didn't care. All that mattered was freedom from that Skonos bitch.

"Son, please!" Somewhere in the back of his mind, Cal recognized that voice. It was his father. The tone, though, that was foreign. It was something Cal had never heard his father sound like. His father was begging. He was pleading with Cal to stop resisting. That realization sucked all the fight out of him. Cal deflated against the bed feeling utterly exhausted.

He was dimly aware of the fact that the Sentinels had removed their hands from him, and people were talking around (about?) him. Cal was too tired to care. His muscles ached, and moving was a challenge. So Cal just laid there, limp and numb to the world around him.

Someone turned over his arm, exposing the veiny inner part. Cal knew that he should be doing something to combat this, but he just let it happen. There was a small pinching pain as something was injected into Cal's bloodstream.

Then everything went black.

He was floating in some kind of in between space. Not Alec. Not Cal. Just himself. For right now, he existed outside of those names- those labels.

He smelled jasmine. It was pleasant and a memory tried to surface. But his mind was too foggy. All he could conjure was a face.

She had long brown hair. It was dark like tree bark. Her eyes were a warm brown, and tattoo's from her neck caressed her face. She had a stern expression, like she was about to reprimand him for something, but her eyes were kind. Her heart wasn't really in it.

She was his mother. Or at least he thought she was. She just gave off that maternal vibe. She made him feel safe, but also a bit nervous and guilty. Why? Why was his mother making him feel this mix of emotions? He couldn't remember.

He couldn't remember her name either. His mind became fixated on it. If he could remember her name, than he could remember everything else about her. He concentrated, focusing on the image of her face burned behind his eyelids. His head was fuzzy, the effort was creating a dull ache in his head. What was her name?

Coriane

The word slipped through the cracks in his mind. It was like a whisper. Quiet and quaint. The voice that spoke it was like thunder, booming. It send shivers down his spine. His mother, Coriane.

But with that word came memories. She was dead. Images flashed in his mind. A desolate field. The pop of gunfire. The heat of a flame. Dirt everywhere. Beneath his feet, under his fingernails, sticking to his clothes. Bodies. Dead bodies lying motionless in front of him. Their skin was so pale. Regardless of red or silver, in the end you're pale. Get up, his mind screeched. Get up. Get up. Get up!

He lurched awake. The room was different. The whole place was white. White bedding, white cement walls, white linoleum flooring. He was in the infirmary. The only thing with color was sitting next to his bed.

Jace was holding a paper coffee cup. He sat hunched over in a plastic chair next to Alec’s bed. That made Alec’s heart clench. He shoved that emotion down. Jace didn't think of him that way.

Jace's head snapped up when he awoke. "Alec," he looked so relieved. Had he thought that Alec wouldn't wake up? "Thank the angels."

Alec laid back down. He had so many questions buzzing in his head. Why was he here? What time was it? Was he okay? But only one came out: "Where's Izzy?"

Jace gave a silent chuckle. "She went to go grab some coffee. She didn't want to leave you, so I'm sure that she'll be back soon." Alec nodded.

They lapsed briefly into silence. Alec needed a moment to relax while still awake, and Jace just seemed to want to bask in the moment.

Had he really been that sick that he needed to be in the infirmary? It seemed hard to imagine right now, but before, when he had been struggling to stay conscious, he could believe it. He shuddered at the idea that he had caused his family this much worry. Jace seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"We were all really worried about you," Alec's gut clenched. He had no reason to feel guilty, and yet… "Izzy was freaking out. We had to convince Maryse and Robert not to come down here."

Alec snorted. "I doubt it was that hard." Jace fixed him with a look. Apparently he decided it wasn't worth it to push the issue.

"Alec, we were all really worried about you," he pause, seeming to try to gather his thoughts. "You were burning up, mumbling nonsense," Alec's gut clenched. Was it really nonsense, or something that would just be nonsense to them? Like Silvers and abilities? "When you started to have seizures… I never want to have to see my brother like that ever again." Brother. The word that had followed around their relationship, haunting him like a ghost. It was ever present in the worst way.

Alec got choked up. What do you say to something like that? "I don't want to put you through that ever again." He and Jace exchanged small, sad smiles.

They lapsed once more into silence. That was until Izzy came back in. "Alec! You're awake!" She rushed to his bed with tears bursting from her eyes. She trapped him into a python like hug. He managed to laugh.

"Yeah…" She put him at arm's length.

"If you ever do that ever again I will kill you," Alec nodded, chuckling a bit at the threat. She hugged him again.

"I missed you so much," that gave Alec a pause.

"How long was I asleep?" Izzy and Jace exchanged a look. "How long?"

"Three days."

"Three days?!" Alec pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose. Three days was a long time to be that sick.

"Are you okay?" That was Izzy, always worrying about others.

"I'm fine, it's just…"

"That's a long time to be out of it like that," Jace finished. Alec gave a quick nod. His parabati took the words right out of his mouth.

Izzy clapped her hand together. "It's okay though. Because you're awake now, so you're going to get better." Her enthusiasm was infectious. Alec couldn't help but believe in what she was saying. He would get better. Everything would be fine.

"Right. So how long do I have to stay here?"

"No idea. I'm sure the doctor will come in and explain everything," Izzy reassured him. Alec wasn't quite so sure. Yeah he was better here, but he was pretty sure that all the healing was due to the Skonos girl. He would have to find some way to repay her. "I should probably call the doctor in then. Because you're awake," Izzy squealed. It was bittersweet to see his sister so excited over this.

Izzy left to go get the doctor so he could talk to Alec, but Alec wasn't sure that that conversation would get the chance to happen. Alec felt his eyes start to droop. He had only been awake for a little bit, and the adrenaline of that was wearing off. Alec became more aware of how much this conversation took out of him. But he couldn't go back to sleep. Not after being gone for three days. He fought to keep his eyes open, but it was a losing battle.

Jace noticed that he was dozing. "It's okay. I can tell Izzy that you were tired after all this excitement. Go to sleep."

"But…but," His tongue was dead weight in his mouth, totally useless.

Jace gave him a stern look. "Sleep." And he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too confusing. I tried to use name changes to signify which person Cal/Alec felt more aligned in. Hopefully that makes any sense.
> 
> The next chapter will also be angsty, so watch out. It will also start getting into canon events.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal's gonna die and Alec is breaking down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long to post. I've been kind of abducted by the Great Comet fandom. But anyway, this chapter will reference canon events in the Red Queen books, and so will almost all of the rest of the chapters. Yay! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

When he wakes up, he isn't Alec. He doesn’t feel like Alec. He's still Cal. He doesn’t want to be. He wants to be Alec. He doesn't want to be the person that killed his own father. Because no matter how you spin it, that's what happened. Cal beheaded his own Father. He could hardly believe that it had even happened. It all felt like a bad dream (or at least what Cal imagined what a bad dream would be like). But every time he closed his eyes, or let his mind wander, all he could imagine was the sword in his hands, cutting against the flesh and muscle of his father's neck.

Cal loved his father. Despite the fact he wasn't the most conventional parent, he was still there for Cal. At least, he knew that Father would be there for him if it was needed. It was something that was left unsaid in their relationship, but was there nonetheless. He loved him and was always there if needed. Now he was gone. Here one minute and gone the next. 

Father was Cal's closest advisor. When Cal was unsure of something he would go to his Father. The fact that now that he couldn't do that, was something that made Cal want to scream, or run away. What would he do without his father's little tips of advice on how to run the kingdom? There were so many questions Cal still had about his future (or what was his future, thanks to Maven) that were unanswered.

Cal shuddered. He didn't want to be thinking about his father's death, but he couldn't stop his mind from going there. Cal just couldn't believe he was so blindsided to what was going on in his own family- until it was too late.

If he had paid a little more attention, if he had been a little stronger, if he hadn't been so stupid.

If.

If.

If.

If he had done anything right his father would still be alive.

That was the truth. Cal had screwed up. He hadn't paid attention to Maven (Oh G-d, Maven. What had happened to his little brother?) he would have known that something was up. He would have seen the writing on the wall and would have prevented this whole thing.

But Cal was the stupid brother. He had a head for battle, not politics. That was Mavens area, and today he had truly proven it. So I beat you with my head, dear brother.

Was it really that bad? Did Maven resent him so much that he felt the need to do something like this? Cal always knew that Father gave him a little more attention, that he was slightly better than Maven in training, but he never thought it was a big deal. He was the heir to the throne, Father had to make sure he was ready, that meant spending time with Cal. He was the crown prince, he needed to show that he was strong in battle, so he strived to be the absolute best in training. He thought Maven had understood those things. Apparently not.

Anger boiled in Cal's stomach. Maven understood that's how things worked, probably better than Cal himself. If he wasn't happy, then he should have figured out a way to fix it without destroying Cal's life, and possibly the kingdom.

Because that's was Maven was doing. Endangering the kingdom. He had taken over for selfish reasons and didn't have an ounce of training to prepare him for the throne. Maven may have brought the royal family to its knees, but Norta would bring Maven to his.

Cal felt tears come to his eyes. He took a deep breath to try to balance his emotions, but it didn't help. His breathing turned ragged as he brought his hands up to pull at his hair.

His life was falling apart. Both of his parents were dead, his brother had betrayed him, and his throne was gone. There wasn't anything good left for him in that world. He didn't even have Mare. She didn't really care about him, not if she was willing to use him for her "revolution".

She couldn't understand. What the Scarlet Guard wanted would cause chaos. There would be slaughter on both sides. The Silvers would revolt, causing not just a Red rebellion, but a Silver one too. And in Cal’s experience, Silvers can do far more damage than Reds. Red and Silver blood would drench the country. They would starve, because there was no way that any other countries would trade with them. The cities would use their technology to destroy other cities. High House against High House. Neighbor against neighbor. Reds would be caught in the crossfire. That's what Mare wanted, death for the whole country. And she had the nerve to be mad at Cal for not wanting that too.

It didn't matter anyway. King Maven had sent them to the Bowl of Bones. It was unlikely that either Cal or Mare would live to see any of that come to pass.

If Cal wasn't so heartbroken about everything else going on he might feel sad or scared about his impending death. But all he felt was numb. He didn't want to live in a world without his father, or where he didn't have the throne. He couldn't spend his days rotting in a cell while Maven ran his country. No, death was much better than that.

Cal let out a dark chuckle. Maven was actually doing him a favor.

He spared a moment to wonder about what would happen to him in this life. Would he die in his sleep? Drift off for no discernable reason? Would he even show signs of his painful fate in another world? He was glad that he didn't have to find out. That could be his family's problem.

Right, his family. Should he say goodbye to them, or continue like business as usual? Cal doubted that he could even function on a basic level today, the pain was too great. But he could try. He could attempt to give his family one last good day with him. That would be his goodbye.

Cal got up and slowly went through his morning routine. He thought of things to do today. He didn't want to make his goodbye obvious, but he did want to do something special. Maybe go out to a nice restaurant? No, if Cal was going out he was going to eat somewhere he liked one last time.

"We're going out for pizza," he said, coming up behind Izzy and Jace as they were stood around the Institutes' holographic computer.

Izzy cast him a strange look. "It's nine in the morning."

"So? This is New York, there's bound to be a pizza place open somewhere," Izzy and Jace swapped glances.

"Are you okay man?" Asked Jace. Cal gave him a faked surprised look.

"Okay? Why wouldn't I be okay?" Because my Father is dead. Because my brother ruined me. Because the girl I love was using me. Because I'm going to die. Oh G-d, he was going to die. His hands started shaking.

It felt as if a huge bucket of ice water had been thrown all over him. He was going to die. Executed in front of the whole country for treason. This was going to be the last time that he saw either of his siblings. He would never be in the Institute again. He would never roam the halls of Whitefire palace, or suffer through a dance with Sonya Iral. Never sit in on another council meeting, never again go to training or pour over war plans. This was it. His last day alive.

He started gasping for air, like he was drowning. That's probably how he'll go, drowned by a nymph. His hands were clutching at his chest, trying to do- he didn't know what he was trying exactly to do. All he could register was the tightness in his chest and the tears coming down his face. He was crying? For who? Himself, or his father? His wayward brother? Maybe the life that he lost. It didn't matter. It was all gone anyway.

"Oh my g-d, Alec are you okay?" Izzy inquired, crouching in front of him. Cal shook his head. Did he look okay? He slid down against the wall behind him. He needed to sit down to catch his breath. "What's wrong?" Izzy looked really concerned, and so did Jace. He didn't want to worry them. This was supposed to be their last good day together, but now he had screwed it up.

"I-I just," how could he explain this to them? That he was about to be executed for treason. That his life was falling apart, taking his psyche with it. "I've been really stressed lately. I guess it all caught up with me just now," it was a horrible excuse. It was flimsy and both of his sibling's saw right through it, but neither of them pushed it. They knew pushing it would do no good. He would close up in an instant, and that he would come to them if it was really something to be worried about.

Cal's breathing finally evened. His head felt a bit clearer, and he thought that his legs were solid enough to stand. With the help of Jace, he came up off the floor. He mumbled a quick thanks and took a deep breath.

"I think after all of that we should definitely get that pizza," Cal joked. Izzy choked out a laugh, Jace doing the same. He shook his head at Cal.

"Are you serious?" He questioned, sounding slightly exasperated. There was still a concerned tone in his voice.

"Dead serious," Cal gave an internal chuckle at the joke. It felt fitting for a dead man walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will enter the return of a familiar face! So get excited for that


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec sees a familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the lack of updates! Inspiration for this fic has been far and few between, but don't worry! I hate having unfinished writing so none of you will be left hanging! 
> 
> Disclaimer: I own none of these characters

Meeting Clary for the first time was… nerve racking. Alec had never met someone he knew from Norta before when he wasn't Cal. He had imagined something like this happening many times before. It would be someone he was close to, like Father or Maven. It could work the other way too. He would see Izzy, Jace or even one of his parents.They would instantly recognize one another, and meet up somewhere private to talk. It would be exciting and thrilling. They would bond over finally knowing that neither of them was crazy, and they would laugh at the thought that neither of them told each other about their double lives. Right now though, all Alec felt was fear, because he wasn't on good terms with Elane, and seeing her here was a huge problem.

She could out him to everyone, call him a traitor and a terrorist. Expose him as a liar to his friends and family for not telling them about his other life. Or worse, she could attack him. She could try to take out the exiled prince once and for all. That would be a nightmare. He didn't want to kill Elane here, if it came to it. Everyone at the Institute would think that he was a monster for taking out another Shadowhunter. They wouldn't be able to understand having to do what needed to be done. Needing to save himself no matter the cost. Alec was already gearing up for a confrontation. One thing that didn't cross his mind though, would be that she didn't recognize him.

Her eyes passed over him. There was no look of recognition, no outward appearance that she was shocked to see him for beyond the normal reasons. She just introduced herself and proceeded to question them all about the shadow world. To be honest, Alec was a little disappointed.

A small part of him wanted her to know who he was. He wanted that look of barely contained shock and maliciousness to appear on her face when they exchanged pleasantries. Her recognizing him would have proven that Alec wasn't crazy, that his whole other life wasn't some by product of mental illness. It would prove that he wasn't delusional. Instead it just opened up a whole new can of worms.

Alec read somewhere that the human mind can't make up faces, but he had never met Clary before. How could he imagine Elane to look exactly like her then? Plus, Clary didn't seem anything like Elane, so it was probable that he just made her up based on a face he saw on the street. While it was possible that they had passed each other on the street once, Alec liked to think that their encounter was more memorable if he had created a whole person around her. Of course, there was the idea that Elane wasn't a figment of Alec's imagination, or that Clary was the one who was fake, and he had just made her personality the way that he wished Elane would act. Alec didn't want to start down that line of thought. Wondering which reality was real was something that Alec had spent too long obsessing over, and it always got him with nothing but headaches and wasted time. 

For right now though, giving Clary the cold shoulder seemed like the best course of action. He couldn't be sure if she was actually nice or just pretending to be. With Silvers, it was almost always an act. But no one here was a Silver, regardless of how similar they were to Shadowhunters. Self-righteous and cold.

If Alec was being honest with himself though, that wasn't the only reason he was freezing her out. She was making eyes at Jace, and damn it, if that wasn't pissing Alec off a bit. Who did this chick think she was? She couldn't just waltz in here and get everything she wanted.

Still, Alec couldn't help but get his hopes up just a little bit. Despite every other emotion seeing her evoked, Alec slipped references to the world of Silvers and Reds into every conversation. Hoping that Clary was just a really good liar, and she was just waiting to see if Alec recognized her too.

But more time passed, and more hints went by unnoticed. Maybe Alec really was delusional. Maybe it was time to give up on this insane reality he was living and get help. Talk to a professional. But every time Alec opened his mouth to say something, to tell someone that he needed to see a psychiatrist, he just couldn't do it. It could be from the years of keeping quiet, or it could be the nagging in the back of his mind. He could reason the fact that he had made up Clary based off Elane (why Elane who knows? They weren't particularly close), but what about Izzy? Or Jace? Or even Maven? Where were their doppelgangers? If Alec was really inventing people based off of familiar faces, where was the Maven of New York City? Or the Izzy of Norta? He was much closer to them than he was to Elane or Clary. None of it made any sense.

But that was his life right? Nothing made any sense. It was something that Alec had just barely gotten used to. He just wished he had someone to talk about this with.

And there it was. The real reason he wanted Clary to be Elane, out in the open. He wanted someone to talk to. Someone who knew what it was like to have to balance two lives, to be constantly playing a game of pretend. It was exhausting. This act of being two different people (technically he was the same person, just living two separate lives) was taking a mental toll. Alec, or Cal or whoever he was, just needed to share the burden with someone who understood. Who wouldn't judge him for being secretive, and just empathize.

But there was no one. So Alec remained alone, wishing despite all the odds, that there was someone who would understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it! A bit of a peek at what's to come (if you caught some hints;)) and Clary is also Elane! Bet you didn't expect that!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec finally comes clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is finally done!! I'm so sorry it took so long for me to write one little chapter but I have literally no motivation. I want to thank everyone who left such kind comments and kudos throughout the fic; thank you for giving me encouragment and motivation when I literally had none. I'm so proud to have finished my first and last mulitchaptered fic. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Alec couldn’t stop pacing. He had been doing this for an hour, waiting for Magnus to get home for their date night. He spent the whole day setting up since Magnus had been out collecting ingredients for his new private consulting practice. Alec set up candles all around the room, their soft glow set a cozy mood that would hopefully relax Magnus just in case he was in a bad mood after today. Or in case Magnus broke up with him. 

Alec also made dinner. He spent all day slaving over cookbooks trying to make the perfect I’m-Sorry-I-Lied-To-You-Again dinner. Turns out, that’s a roasted chicken, asparagus, mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables, and rice. 

He had spent a long time thinking about this. When they first got together, every day he thought about what it would be like to tell Magnus about being Cal. He imagined them sitting down and Alec spilling over with everything he had to say. He would tell Magnus about his life in Norta, about being the crown prince and how lonely it was. He would tell Magnus about Maven, and Father, and Uncle Julian, and the mother he never got to know. He would confess his hopes and fears about being King, finally being able to talk to someone about all that pressure he was under so so goddamn long. And he would open up about those long, lonely years where Alec could barely manage to get up every day because he was so scared that this was all fake. That he was living in some fantasy world and everyone he loved was just a figment of his imagination. Now Magnus would know, and when mornings came when all those terrible feelings were dredged up again, he would have Magnus to hold him. Magnus would be there to comfort him and tell him that he was real and he was loved. Alec wanted that more than anything. 

It never really felt like it was going to happen, though. It was just some fantasy. But then, with everything that happened after Alec lied, he couldn’t risk it anymore. It was time to tell Magnus the truth to prevent any future lying related breakups. 

“Alec?” Oh shit. Magnus was home. Alec suddenly remembered why he had put off doing this for so long. “Alec?  It smells good in here! Where’s Izzy?” 

Alec took a deep breath. “I’m in here!” Alec called from the kitchen. 

Magnus strolled in, and Alec fell in love all over again. His hair was a little disheveled after a day of foraging for herbs and traveling the world. Alec would spend the whole day counting every single beautiful strand of hair if he could. Alec’s fingers longed to brush through his thick locks. Magnus’s makeup was a little smudge underneath his eyes, the eyeshadow and mascara blending together. Somehow his clothes were barely ruffled after a day of travel, something that was so uniquely Magnus, Alec couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his mouth. The butterflies in his stomach quickly wiped that off though. 

“Oh, I don’t see Izzy here. Just an incredibly handsome and wonderful boyfriend,” Magnus came up to him and gave him a peck on the lips. The sweet gesture turned bitter on Alec’s lips. “Who made me dinner?” 

Alec smiled. “Yup,” he had to do this. It was now or never. “Magnus, we need to talk.” 

Watching Magnus’s face crumple at that very moment was one of the top five worst things Alec had ever seen. And he’d gone to war. 

“Oh?” Magnus turned away, busying himself with getting more wine from the other end of the kitchen, even though there was wine on the table. 

“It’s not anything bad,” Alec rushed to say. He shouldn’t have done that. There was no way of knowing how bad Magnus thought this news was going to be. 

“Good,” Magnus smiled, but Alec could still see the tense lines around his eyes. 

“But maybe you should still sit down for this.”   
They sat at the table. It had never felt like there was no much distance between them. It was like Magnus was a million miles away when really he was only across that table. But maybe that was just Alec. 

Slowly, he started piling food onto his plate. He needed some kind of distraction to stop himself from thinking about Magnus and his imminent confession. His leg wouldn’t stop bouncing under the table. Alec could see the ripples in the water, each one coinciding with the heartbeat that was pounding in his ears. Nevermind, he couldn’t do this. 

“Alec,” Magnus said softly, “I love you. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” 

Looking into Magnus’s eyes, he couldn’t get the words out. His jaw was wired shut and his tongue was made of concrete. All the saliva in his mouth was gone. Looking into Magnus’s eyes, Alec froze. Eyes open, glued to Magnus’s; Alec turned to ice. 

But then he blinked.

And the words poured out of him. 

He told Magnus about everything. He talked about growing up in Norta, his life as the crown prince and king in training. He talked about his mom, how his love for her and desire to know more about her sparked his interest in mechanics. He talked about his Uncle Julian, the long days he spent in Julian’s study listening to the wild stories that his uncle told. He talked about his strong, proud father, the blazing king that set the light of ambition into his eyes. He talked about Maven, how their days playing together had turned into something sinister, but he stopped himself before he got into anything that would reveal the events that brought Mare into his life. He talked about all those lonely years, unable to tell if what he was going through was real or fake. He talked about his confusion and his detachment; when he was so afraid that neither of these amazing lives was real, so he kept himself from getting attached to either one of them. He talked about his questioning process, about being straight in one life and gay in another, making it so hard to figure out if he truly was gay, an issue that piled on when he met Magnus. 

Then he got to the truly painful stuff. He told Magnus about Mare. He told Magnus about the Queenstrial, watching her fall into the arena and how the rest of his life just kept spiraling after that. He told Magnus about the pain, suffering in silence after the death of his father and the betrayal of his brother. How much it ripped his heart out to see Jace and Max after losing his own brother. How much he just wanted to stop the pain after he killed Jocelyn, her death reopening the deep wound of his father's brutal murder. He told Magnus about being on the run. About the weeks he spent finding and training newbloods during the day and fending off his darkest thoughts in Mare’s arms at night. He told him about the months he spent alone; how his heart was put into a blender every time he saw Mare on one of his brother’s broadcasts. About how every time they found another newblood, he  _ begged _ whatever god that tortured him, that they would have an ability that resembled a whispers’. He told Magnus about the ecstasy of getting Mare back. The whirlwind of weeks he spent with her in Piedmont, the love, the sparring, the sex. And he told Magnus about losing her, the choice that made him feel like he was losing his family all over again.  

After he finished, all Magnus did was get up to go to his bar. “I think I’m going to need something a little stronger,” was all he said. 

They sat in silence. By now the food was cold, so Alec just pushed everything around on his plate. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Magnus. He was too scared to see what his expression was. Did he hate Alec? Was he mad at him for lying? Alec didn’t want to know, and yet, his brain burned with these questions. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Magnus spoke. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay?” Alec looked up. 

Magnus met his eyes. “Okay.” 

“Wow, uh, I didn’t actually think you would be okay with this,” Alec admitted. 

Magnus took his time answering. “When you first started talking, I thought you were delusional,” Alec’s heart clenched. “But then, slowly, I realized that this was too much to be a delusion. And I remembered something I had learned during my time in the Seelie Court. After learning about alternate realities, while I was at the Court, I made it my priority to learn more about them. I found mention of a very interesting phenomenon. People who are linked to another reality, tied to themselves in both lives.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“I think you’re one of those people.” 

Alec’s brain felt like cotton. “What? I don’t understand.” 

“You’re tied to a version of yourself in another dimension. Cal is you in another dimension, but somehow you two are connected together. Do you remember how when Clary went to that other reality where we were all mundanes?” Alec nodded. “And how when she went over there, she was herself in that dimension? Maybe every night, when you go to bed, you travel to Cal’s reality and are in his body. Then, when he goes to bed, you come back to your body.” 

Alec couldn’t breathe. He knew the air was coming in and out, but it didn’t feel like it. He felt so distant from his body, just like when he was at that table so long ago with Magnus. Or not so long ago. What time was it again? 

“I-I’m Cal. I’m Cal. But I’m also Alec,” that’s all Alec could hold onto right now. That is what kept him sane all those years. He was Alec. And he was Cal. 

Magnus grabbed his hand across the table. “I know baby.” 

Alec felt tears prick at his eyes. “And you’re okay? With Mare?” 

Magnus laughed. It was such a beautiful sound. “I’m not in  _ love  _ with the idea of my boyfriend having a girlfriend, but I can live with it. I’m just glad you were honest with me about it.” He paused. “I’m so proud of you for telling me.” 

Alec pulled Magnus across the table and cupped his face. Kissing Magnus had never been so good. 

“I can’t believe I’m straight in another reality.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! And thank you to those who have followed this fic since the beginning! If you liked it please leave a comment or kudos, or come talk about Red Queen and Shadowhunters with me over on my tumblr @caven---malore !!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys like it. I've been working on this for a really long time. This was supposed to be a one shot, so I have a lot of chapters already written. I'm not exactly sure when the next chapter will be up though, since I write really out of order. After that though, I will develop an update schedule, so worry not!
> 
> Let me know what you think! Leave a kudos or a comment, or just scream at me on my tumblr @caven---malore


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